Learning as I Go

How Applying for a Grant Taught Me Important Lessons about My Evolution

I took a huge step for “future me” earlier this week: I submitted a grant proposal. This time last year, it wouldn’t have even been on my radar, nor would I have thought of myself as “qualified” to apply for it.

For the past two months, the proposal took center stage in my mental space, begging for – and receiving – the bulk of my attention. I’m amazed by how much I learned and accomplished in just two months (although it certainly felt like much longer!). All of this work felt like a second job – coming home from my 9-5 and working for several more hours each day. The only difference between this work and a second job is the benefits are less tangible (read: no paycheck).

After I pressed submit late Monday night (I really came right up on that deadline), I thought, “I haven’t worked this hard on something that I won’t see the immediate results from since I was in grad school.” Yet with grad school, I had a guaranteed reward: a degree awaited me after all those long nights and weekends dedicated to my learning and coursework. With a grant proposal, there’s not the same guarantee – it’s possible I don’t receive the grant money.

Tangible versus Intangible Rewards

I realized something important as I followed these self-reflective thoughts on Monday night: This process was valuable because it taught me important lessons, both personally and professionally – not because of what I might tangibly receive on the other end.

In our capitalistic, productive society, this kind of thinking is not so common. When was the last time you went hard after one of your passions, just because you wanted to, or because of a commitment to yourself, and not because of what you might receive on the other end?

Maybe you’re thinking: “Well, I go after my passions because I do receive something on the other end: satisfaction, joy, wonder.” When we can shift our perspective to doing challenging things for these less tangible benefits, it has the potential to alter our world. What happens next is interesting: Those intangible benefits become a bit more tangible. When we find value in the things that interest us, we more easily see our lives changing for the better as we go after the things we truly want to go after.

I experienced this shift while working on this proposal. I had several, “Aha!” moments as I hammered out my idea, not only about the direction of the project itself, but also about the direction of my life and my career. To me, this “intangible” benefit is extremely valuable. I’ve written before about feeling a bit unmoored after leaving teaching, having to work seemingly endlessly on extricating my identity from my job. Part of the creative process that followed has simply been self-exploration, to better understand where I want to go next.

Enjoying the Present Moment

Another unexpected benefit? Learning to enjoy the present moment. I sometimes find myself hyper-focused on the future, thinking a lot about who I want to become or what I want my life to look like. While there’s a benefit to having this vision, it’s equally important to ground ourselves in the present moment, understanding that what we experience and learn now not only grows us into who we want to be, but also prepares us – we move up the staircase of our dreams with a more solid foundation underneath us.

I borrow this staircase metaphor from Paul McCartney. When I was in San Francisco a few weeks ago, I saw an exhibit of his photographs from 1963-1964, when the Beatles were first becoming big. The exhibit included an audio companion with Paul McCartney speaking about the different photographs, and in one audio clip, he talks about how they were ready for the fame and accolades by the time they began to blow up. He said:

“One of the things that helped us was that we had a staircase to the stars…We were a nothing little group, then a nothing little group in Hamburg. But we started to learn how to do it, learned more songs, learned how to entertain people…All these little steps on the staircase I think were very helpful. Each time you learn how to take a step, which made the next step easier, and it prepared you for the top of the staircase.”

Like McCartney illustrates here, my process of researching, networking, and preparing my own proposal is a step on my own staircase. It’s preparing me for the next step.

A gallery of photos from the Paul McCartney Photo Exhibit, the de Young Museum in San Franciso

Understanding Detachment

I also felt like I (finally) understood what people mean when they say, “Detach from the outcomes and your expectations.” Deepak Chopra calls this principle the Law of Detachment. I’ve often interpreted this principle as, “Don’t put so much pressure and emphasis on one particular outcome, or how you’ll achieve something you want.” Even though I understood this principle logically, it hasn’t always been so easy for me to apply to scenarios in my life – especially when I’m really wanting a particular outcome.

I realized on Monday, though, that it doesn’t matter so much if I receive this grant. Don’t get me wrong – it would be amazing! But through this application process, I began to believe in my idea. I began to see that no matter what the outcome is of this particular project proposal, I will bring this idea to life in some way. I began to see that I could release attachment to this specific outcome – because now I have an unshakeable belief that this creative idea was a spark, urging me forward. And it will likely continue to evolve over time. Then, it will manifest and come to life in one way or another. Understanding this, I don’t need to feel the pressure and expectations associated with making it happen in just one way.

Going Public

I’ve often heard people say to keep your creative ideas close to your chest until they start to take shape, protecting them from naysayers and people who might deter you. While I understand the sentiment and its value in certain situations, I couldn’t operate that way for this proposal. I needed the support of my network! For example, I wanted to propose a podcast series, but I didn’t have any connections (that I knew of) in the podcast industry. At first, the thought of broadcasting on my socials or email that I needed connections felt extremely vulnerable. I had to push past the noise of “What will people think?” and “What if I don’t get the grant? Then how embarrassing that I fail publicly!”

I’ve obviously come to a different conclusion regarding measures of success and failure as it relates to this proposal, but getting there took courage. It took courage to put myself out there – repeatedly! – asking my network for support and engagement, telling my friends and family about my idea in hopes of receiving feedback and connections.

Now that I’m on the other side, I’m so glad I took those steps to “go public” throughout this process. I received back from my network invaluable feedback, inspiration, and connections that helped shape my proposal into one that is compelling and competitive. I don’t believe I would have gotten the same result if I “moved in silence,” as people on the internet often encourage us to do.

Moving Forward with Clarity

I’m sure I could mine even more lessons from this process to share with you all. My point is to illustrate how our journeys are equally as important as our destinations. It’s what we learn along the way that shapes us into who we are meant to be.

Thank you, and big hugs, to everyone who supported me throughout this process – everyone who read my emails, responded to my survey, took my phone calls, gave me feedback, and connected me to others in their network. I am so grateful!

May we all have these moments of reflection to help us better understand the importance of our journey. And I wish you all to feel the love and support of your community in the same way I have these past two months.

- JM