Platonic Soulmates

Sisterhood, Part Two

Do you believe in soulmates? I say - with a bit of reservation - I do. But first let me explain what I mean when I say soulmates. I’ve found that some people associate the term soulmate with a romantic notion of one person who is most perfectly suited for you.

Allow me to deviate from that understanding of the word today. When I say soulmate, I mean someone with whom you have a deep - even inexplicable - connection. Let’s consult Webster’s dictionary, though. It offers the following definition:

Soulmate

noun, soul·​mate, ˈsōl-ˌmāt

Plural soulmates or soul mates

1. A close friend or romantic partner with whom one has a unique deep connection based on mutual understanding and acceptance.

2. A person who shares the same beliefs or opinions as another person.

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Based on this definition, I would imagine more people would say they believe in soulmates than not.

The past few years, the idea of soulmates has been at the top of my mind. I met Rita J. King, my dear friend and mentor, in March 2023. Meeting her truly changed the trajectory of my life, and the relationship we’ve formed can, to me, only be described as a soulmate connection. It felt serendipitous that our paths crossed, and we can both say that we met each other at the exact right time.

Platonic Soulmates

In the past few years of knowing her, I’ve affectionately referred to her as my platonic soulmate. Our connection is unique, deep, and based on mutual understanding and acceptance, to check off the boxes from Webster's definition. But there’s something else to this idea of soulmates that I think is difficult to put into words. How do you describe a connection with someone that feels magnetic and powerful and life-changing? And at the same time, incredibly life-giving?

As I’ve considered soulmate connections the past few years, I’ve realized I have more than one platonic soulmate. It reminds me of the Sex and the City episode when Charlotte poses to the other girls that maybe they are all each other’s soulmates, not the men they are dating. That scene is still popular on different corners of the internet; I see it pop up at least once a year.

Mutual Understanding + Acceptance

My girlfriends from my hometown and I often refer to this kind of bond when we talk about our own friendship. In fact, these girlfriends are my longest-standing relationships, apart from my family. I grew up with them, and we are so connected that I can’t imagine a day when we aren’t in each other’s lives. It highlights the latter part of Webster’s definition – “a connection based on mutual understanding and acceptance.” Perhaps growing up together, knowing each other’s families, understanding each other’s past, and staying connected in the present created this mutual understanding and acceptance of each other – flaws and all.

But different platonic soulmates have emerged in my adult life, too, apart from Rita and my girlfriends from Alabama. These connections are my inner circle, the ones I lean on for support, the ones I know have my back, the ones that fill my cup. In the midst of a major personal evolution the past several years, I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) who is actually there for me during the good and the bad. No relationship – friendship or otherwise – is perfect or without bumps along the way. It’s not about the absence of conflict but rather how we deal with the conflict. The friendships that continue throughout the ups and downs are the ones I want to then prioritize.

How Relationships Make You Feel

Similarly, I’ve begun to pay closer attention to how I feel in my relationships. What feeling do I have while I’m with particular people or groups of friends? I’ve really latched on to the idea of “life-giving” friendships of recent. I notice when I feel supported, energized, or inspired after spending time with different people in my life. I also notice when I’m able to maintain a strong connection despite considerable distance, as the majority of my close friends don’t live in New York.

I have one platonic soulmate that I haven’t seen in person since October 2023. Actually we were shocked to realize this fact during a recent phone call. The thing is, it doesn’t feel like years because of how connected we remain, even with the physical distance. We speak on the phone at least once a week. He’s my go-to call when I need to vent, when I need to celebrate, when I need advice.

One of my Platonic Soulmates, Christian, who brought this heart-shaped pizza to my apartment on Galentine’s Day, circa 2022

Community + Mental Health

It’s not lost on me how rich these connections make me. We know from research that having a positive sense of community correlates with less depression, anxiety, and stress. We also know that having this sense of community correlates with longevity, increasing odds of long-term survival by as much as 50%. (With statistics like these, it’s more important than ever for us to connect with each other – read my tips for staying connected here.)

A Different Kind of Sisterhood (Not gender-specific!)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about sisterhood, highlighting my relationship with my biological sisters. Consider this post to be sisterhood, part two: This time, a love letter to my platonic soulmates. Thank you for the love, support, mutual acceptance and understanding. Thank you for loving me flaws and all. Thank you for loving me enough to come to me when there’s an issue and find a way to move forward together.

May we all be lucky enough to find a soulmate in this lifetime – Even better, a whole community of them.

- JM